Q: I have read ACIM all the way through and studied bits here and there so that I can probably say I have read it through at least twice. And, peace of mind still eludes me. It seems cruel to me that sometimes I feel very very at ease and clear. But then that goes away and I end up going through long periods of depression.

I have been practicing meditation since I was fifteen and I'm forty two right now. When I go to ACIM meetings and I hear some people talk about bliss bliss bliss, I think, "Are they just acting?" "What's wrong with me?"

The odd thing is, people come to me and want to talk about ACIM because they like my understanding of it, it seems to impress them and I can help them understand some things better. Then they, say "thank you, you helped me", yada, yada, yada. And I think, what the heck is going on? How could I help someone else feel better when I'm so miserable myself? This shows me that a belief system and intellectual understanding mean squat! I have been searching so long and hard for peace of mind, I don't even know what it means anymore.

I am a religion major and have studied every major religion looking for answers. I have had the most wonderful experiences in meditation, ...beautiful unforgettable loving experiences. I had some experiences during the lessons in ACIM that seem all but supernatural, they were so great. But the misery comes back. And I'm beginning to feel like the idea of finding a lasting peace is just not real.

My problems seem to be centered on my relationships. Every love interest or relationship ends with heart ache for me. I feel like I must be totally unlovable. I'm very overweight and I just can't seem to take the weight off. But I'm not so dumb that I think that all my problems would be over if I lost weight. Peace simply eludes me. And I feel very angry at God right now. I keep thinking about the phrase in acim that says something like, "If you really wanted to see the truth you would." Well, I really do, but I don't see it. Or "All things are echoes of the voice for God" So I think to my self, God must be awful darn cruel then. It just doesn't make sense. My last relationship was with someone I met through ACIM. I just ended the relationship with him. It was clear he was loosing interest. And he told me honestly it was my weight. And all this time I have been saying to myself, "I am not a body, I am free, for I am still as God created me." Well...this latest lesson that "God would have me learn," didn't exactly support that idea.

Please talk to me. Why does God or Truth elude me? I'm tired of this search. I just want truth. But I'm really tired of begging God for it. Why do I have to? I dig deeper and deeper within myself but the crap just never ends. I'd like to say "I give up!" But I don't know how. How do I surrender ? Why do people claim it's so easy? Why can't I feel peace of mind? Help Please! Please!

A: Hello Beloved One,

I am so grateful you opened up and shared what is on your mind. That is always a big first step in forgiveness and inner healing. To open and share with a brother is a symbol of your willingness to hide
nothing from the Holy Spirit. When progress in meditation and peace of mind and inner fulfillment seems slow and frustrating and difficult, this is always a Call to go deeper within. There is a tremendous fear of looking within, for the ego has convinced the sleeping mind that God will punish those that have "left" Heaven. The ego's world is filled with distractions and fantasy goals to offer many substitutes and diversions from the "dreaded" looking within. Christ teaches in ACIM:

"To learn this course requires willingness to question every value that you hold. Not one can be kept hidden and obscure but it will jeopardize your learning. No belief is neutral. Every one has the power to dictate each decision you make. For a decision is a conclusion based on everything that you believe." (T-24.in.2)

"This course will be believed entirely or not at all. For it is wholly true or wholly false, and cannot be but partially believed. And you will either escape from misery entirely or not at all." (T- 22.II.7.3)

These two ideas, taken together, give some indication of the deep desire and commitment necessary to delve inward to the base of the unconscious mind if lasting peace is to be found. The Atonement, or
Correction, is buried deep within under a cloud of guilt and unworthiness. The good news is that you are never alone and Help is always Given. There is a stage in the development of trust in which mighty companions appear in awareness. This is a stage of yielding to the deep desire to join in a common Purpose.

If you are willing you will find that the inner doorways will open easily with just a little willingness to follow the Holy Spirit's promptings. The ego is angry and fearful of God, yet the Quiet Answer is always available to sooth and comfort the restless mind that is open to receiving Inner Help.

When you are tempted to give in to anger and depression just remember this: Trust would settle every problem right now. I have faith in You Beloved of God. I hope to always be in contact. Know that I am
always in prayer for your peace and sanity and happiness. You are never alone and isolated.

I love You!

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